I don't want to believe in love anymore. It hurts too much. I wish I knew how you felt. But what would be the point? You're leaving in 7 days anyway.

I know I could have fallen in love with you.

I fall in love too easily. Brandon was just a love revisited in a quick moment of time. Now I've found a new obsession. And of course he's leaving. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I wonder why it is that I get so hung up on someone.

Why am I still in love with you after all these years? Are you "the one"? Why does it feel like home when we kiss and look into one another's eyes? Is it just because it's a familiar place? Feeling? It makes me feel like I haven't moved on. Why does my heart flutter in those moments of just you and me?

I guess we always want what we can't have.

It's not over. It's never over for us. Just fucked up fights and breaks. I've been having too many panic attacks lately. And I've had 2 dreams about her in the past 2 days. I want her to join the troupe, but she's already moved on. I guess I'll never really be her friend.

It's over. I know it's probably for the best but it hurts so much. I'm so angry and upset and confused. I feel so alone. I'm losing my best friend. This all feels so fucked up.

I really hate how I am sometimes. I hate how obsessive I get. I know he's not going to call to come drive with me. I feel like I'm 16 all over again. Gross. I thought I had changed so much over these years, but apparently not. Why do we let people affect us the way we do? Sometimes this town feels too small for me, but I'm afraid to move on. Or maybe I just haven't expanded my horizons.
I'm afraid to grow up and become responsible. I'm afraid of my own life.

I feel like I've been living in this fantasy land where love never ends and you never grow apart. They say everything happens for a reason. I suppose sleeping with Greg was my "reason". It certainly was an eye opener and forced me to stop being in denial with my unhappiness in this relationship. I have so much to figure out right now. I have been with Bert for so long that it's time for me to figure out if I am still in love with him or if I'm with him because it's comfortable.

I wish I had been more mature in dealing with my feelings toward you and about you. I think and dream about you a lot. I'm not quite sure I understand why. I guess I feel like we never got a chance. God this sounds so creepy. My life feels incomplete right now. I yearn for something that I don't think will ever be mine. I wish I knew your love.