"Walked away, heard them say
poisoned hearts will never change,
walk away again.
Turned away in disgrace,
felt the chill upon my face,
cooling from within.
Hard to notice, gleaming from the sky
when you're staring at the cracks.
Hard to notice what is passing by,
with eyes lowered.
Walked away, heard them say
poisoned hearts will never change
walk away again.
All the cracks, they lead
right to me, and
all the cracks will crawl
right through me,
all the cracks they lead
right to me, and
all the cracks will crawl
right through me
and I fell apart.
As, I, walked away, heard them say
poisoned hearts will never change
walk away again.
Turned away, in disgrace
felt a chill upon my face
cooling from within."

Bert's not a bad guy. Just like every couple, we have our problems. Why is it that only 3 people see that and support us and understand? Bert and I are the only ones who know what REALLY happens between us. Everyone else never sees it all, they just take what they want and twist it around to make me look like some pathetic loser and make him look like an asshole.
I'm slowly losing my patience and my respect for people. Not just for people I know but everyone. I am so sickened by this society. Fuck America. We're all just a bunch of fat assholes who own too many guns and hide behind our barred windows because we're afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid of what our shitty society has become. Even though we're the reason for it.
I'm becoming bitter.
Fuck everyone.
Oh and Merry Christmas.

I think I have lost my passion. Where did it go? Did I sweep it under the rug? Did Kim throw it away with clothes she never wears? My insecurity is getting the best of me. No matter how cool I feel or think I look, my eyes will always fall upon someone better and I am defeated.
I used to love dancing. I used to love acting. But what I miss the most: performing. I wish the Burlesque troupe would pull through and work out. There is just something about performing semi-naked in front of a bunch of people. Maybe it's because people tell me that there is this sensuality about me. I like to think that the way I move entrances people, turns them on, pulls them and it is then that they see the true beauty behind me.
I know I'm not thin. Though sometimes I desperately wish I was. And most of the time I am so uncomfortable with my body. But when I was on that stage, feeling everyone's eyes on me, feeling as if the sway of my hips were pulling them in, it was then that I felt like the most beautiful and amazing girl in that venue.
I want that back. I want to feel that way. Maybe not to everyone, but at least to someone. Someone who cares.

Hmm...Things just haven't seemed right lately. All I want to do is sleep. And find a new roommate. No, maybe just a better apartment.
Here are my thoughts on this whole rommmate weirdness.

I complain that she's never home, and when I show up and find her there, I want to scream and throw her stupid skate shoes down the stairs and destroy everything she is so anal about.
"Why are you here? You left, remember? You just can't come back like this. Go back to your siamese twin. You're not wanted here." And I want to tighten her shoelaces right in front of her, making her feel helpless and vulnerable.
Spite.
I am full of spite.
She asked me if I was done with her. I told her no. But now I think I am. I don't even know her. Just one more person to come in and out of my life so quickly.

On a much happier note:
Bert's brother, Go-go(Greg) is in town. We hung out with him yesterday and he's over right now. He's really cool. He's the only one that looks like Bert. I can't wait for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Yummmyyy....First dinner at Bert's parents' house, then off to mine. :)
Things have been going really well between us lately. I just feel so good about everything. I'm acutally happy for once in a long time. I just need to work on these weird horomone issues.

It's getting dark outside and the wind has subsided. I feel alone and upset. I feel dumb. This is hard. I don't want to do it, so I just won't. I'll talk about something else, something to occupy my mind.

Snow White sits in front of the bright monitor. Nothing. She is unsure how to put in words how she feels. She can't do it. She's too afraid. She doesn't want to.
"I'll just keep it inside. Deal with it later. What is there to deal with anyway? Nothing. They're just emotions. You'll get over it." The pallid girl feels confused.

Ah, fuck it. It's all just a bunch of lame emotional shit that will soon pass anyway. A night on the town should cure it. Or a night of drinking, whichever comes first.

Burlesque show is cancelled. Big surprise there. It isn't the person's who was running it fault, but the "talent's". At least we know how much we can rely on certain people. What a weird two weeks. I don't have much to say lately. Things have been quite odd, so I've been focusing on that. Time to celebrate another month of not being pregnant. :) *giggles with glee*

I wish I knew where my Sashleyface was. I miss her. I miss a lot of people.
I keep having weird dreams. I miss Shelby. A lot.

God I hate pop culture.

For whatever reason, the 80's are back. And I'm right up there, following the trend. If I had the clothes, you might think I was Cyndi Lauper or some freak straight out of the Tubular era. I can't seem to get enough of Falco's "Rock Me Amadeus". I don't even want to talk about how much I love the video... Nothing's hotter than a german man in a white powdered wig with purple and pink sprayed into it.
Cat shares the same love for the 80's. In fact, we're going to express our undying devotion to the decade that gave us birth by...stripping to "Hey Mickey" in the upcoming Burlesque show.
Jealous? I know.
Time to go...do something other than sitting on my ass.
I know, I'll go rid the world of nasty 15 year old groupies. :-) Gotta keep Mother Earth clean, right? Oh the bitch that I am....

Snow White's pale cheeks are stained from the pink mascara running down her face. She feels alone, confused and out of place.

"It's just lately I've been feeling like I don't belong. Like the ground's not mine to walk upon."

How sad and pathetic it makes her feel that Conor Oberst knows what's going on. No one else does. Except for Sleeping Beauty. Only her Claire, her Rose White can understand the reason her heart breaks and the very same reason that puts it back together.
"It's a twisted place, this world of ours." she thinks to herself.
"Do we ever really figure out who we're really supposed to be?"
Snow White looks around the cold room. Empty. Her fingertips are little icicles, wiping away the tears, pushing back her hair. She thinks of her sister and wishes she were here. Her presence seems to make everything better. Where are her Seven Dwarves to console her?
She's sinking fast, drifting away. Her skin doesn't feel like her own. She doesn't feel like herself.
"Change. All I want to do is change. Fix myself, make me look more appealing." She has no fairy godmothers like Sleeping Beauty, no glass slippers or extravagant white carriage. Not even her favorite little dwarves can save her. Only her prince can draw away the poison slowly seeping from her lips into her body. She fears that she will stay in this poisoned sleep forever.

She recognizes these feelings. These feelings of jealousy, uncertainty, disappointment, confusion. They all hurt; leave a subtle lingering pain in her heart. But for some reason, it doesn't hurt as much. She understands. She's done it to him and he doesn't even know. Prince Beat isn't acting like the Prince that he usually is. He's acting like a Rockstar.
An inconsiderate rockstar who is selfish, ungrateful and sometimes rude. But after the show his is nice and playful and snuggly; kissing her neck as if she is the only princess he will ever love.
Jekyl and Hyde. Prince Beat and Bobby Beat the Rockstar. Snow White has yet to understand these radically different sides of him.

I have come across some issues that I need to fix.
1. My insecurities. Either I need to accept who I am or do something about the weight that bothers me.
2. Work on roommate issues.
3. Hang out more often with my friends.
4. Get a job.

On the night of October 28 Tuesday, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty came together in an adventure. They found themselves wandering about in the Dungeon of Needles. Staberella left her markinsgs six times in the delicate ears of Sleeping Beauty. Snow White held her hand and watched in wonderment. When they were free to leave, they journied to a place of hamburgers and milkshakes. An evil wench served them their meals. Sleeping Beauty was kind and sweet, but when the wench turned her back, Snow White scowled at her. After they had replenished themselves, they returned to the Silver Carriage. Snow White was feeling ill and Sleeping Beauty suggested that maybe the evil wench was actually the mean crone and poisoned her milkshake.
'Take me home so you can rest. Your prince will come.' Sleeping Beauty's voice was soft and soothing.
'Okay.' And so the Silver Carriage whisked them away to Sleeping Beauty's kingdom. And Snow White went home to her forest and fell into a deep sleep.

Snow White is running through a forest that is hers but at this moment feels so unfamiliar. Her midnight blue black hair is tangled, her legs are cut up from unfriendly rose bushes and her eyes are sore and cheeks are cracked from letting the tears fall like her own personal waterfalls.
Why must there be other princesses before me? Why does it hurt to know that?
There were princes before him, so why should it matter?
Because she no longer felt like the fairest of them all.
Snow plump. She thought to herself.
She knew how Prince Beat saw her: beautiful, soft milky skin, enchanting emerald eyes. But she didn't understand it. She felt that her breasts were akward and her tummy too full. Her eyes always looked sad to her.
His love wasn't to the fullest, why? It used to be. She didn't know what was wrong.
It was because she didn't love herself to the fullest. Snow White was unsure of how to accept who she was. She was always rushing, always wanting to grow up, be 5 years older, 5 years down the road. Not here, not now. She didn't want any other prince, but she didn't want to know of princesses before or possible princesses after her. He's not ready. She's not ready. Fear. Always fear.
It will be this fear, this jealousy, uncertainty that will turn Snow White into the Crone.

As I was stuffing envelopes and watching the Matrix today, I asked myself a question: How do you know when someone really is the one? Do you feel it in your bones? Feel it when you kiss them, when they rub your feet without you asking, when they look over at you and smile? When you are laying bed next to them, their soft back facing you, shifting with every breath they take, is it then that it hits you the strongest? And when you scoot closer to them, gently wrap your arms around and kiss their shoulder, you can hear them give out a sigh, see the shapes in their face change into a smile.
But what happens when you start to doubt it? Does it mean that it's not true or that you're not ready? But with this doubt usually follows reassurance, getting you right back into the cycle thinking they are the one.
Maybe it's because I've been watching the Matrix films all this weekend that my mind is trying to be philosophical. Or maybe since I'm about to bleed, my emotions are just going whacko on me. But whatever it is, I can't shake this "the one" feeling.
Maybe, just maybe he really is....

Imagine a girl with black and blonde hair. Two stars adorn her upper and lower lips. Her eyes are tired from lack of sleep or too much sleep; she hasn't decided yet. After tossing and turning, holding every so tightly to Pinkerton then pushing him away, she decides to move into...the living room. 20 more minutes of restlessness, she wraps herself in a blue starred blanket pretending she is an Egyptian princess incognito escaping the confines of her marble palace. After a difficult journey through a carpeted hallway, defeating the 3 headed rabbit in the laundry room, and sludging through the tiled mountains of the bathroom, she plops her sore, exhausted body down in front of a safe haven: a computer screen. It is here that she has created a new blog. It is here that she will post her musings, rambling and inner most random thoughts.
Blogger, you are my one and only.