My relationship with Bert feels stuck. And it's been this way for quite some time. When do you come to the point where enough is enough? At what point do you realize, hey maybe I should move on, or hey too much work has gone into this to just throw it away? Is it just another funk? For as long as we've been together, I've wanted to marry him. He knows this. But he's lost all passion in his life. Including for me. He doesn't lust after me, he needs me. And I can't handle that right now. He requires so much attention and I can only offer so much. I work, I go to school, I have Burlesque Noir, belly dancing. And now Nick. Nick who makes my stomach flutter and confuses me. He confuses my emotions. I told him I loved him but now I'm not sure I do. There is no denying the chemistry between us, but when it comes down to it, do I really love him? If I'm questioning it, then I guess not. He whispered it to me last night, I said it back. But the moment he said it, I wanted to freak out. It almost felt like cringing. He's like a combination of Bert and Kenneth. I don't even want to get started on Kenneth. That's going to end horribly, I just know it. Talk about bad timing.

Alex fucked up Bert so bad that it's another Ayla situation and I have to pick up the pieces. I always do. He's pulling the same shit that I did when they were together and I got yelled at for it. But if I get upset about it, it means to him I don't care. And maybe I don't anymore. Maybe we've gotten into this routine that we don't know how to shake. We're married withouth the rings or the wedding. I want Bert to be spontaneous, not act like a child. He's 25 and I feel like I have my shit more together than he does. I want him to take care of me. I want him to succeed in something for once.

I love him dearly, but his depression is pushing me away. And what's worse is he's not doing anything to fix it himself. He's relying on me to make the change. I hate Alex for treating him the way she did and turning him into her. My feelings for that girl are so fucked up. I lust after her and I hate her. Do I want to date her or be her? It's hard to distinguish the two. I guess I wanted to be her when she was with Bert because she got all of his attention.

Is this open relationship worth all of the drama and complications that come with it?

That's what I need to ask myself.