I'm in a funk. A ridiculous emotional funk. I've lost what's cool about me. Lost my style. I'm losing who I am. I feel as though I am disappearing into myself. Letting the insecurities swallow me whole and be shown on the outside as who I am. I am not my insecurities. I cannot let that happen. I used to be vivacious. Where did it all go? This body transformation is turning out to be more traumatic than I thought possible. I am allowing a 16 year old high school drop out to reign above me. She is not better than me. I am not better than her. However being female makes it very difficult to admit that. I am supposed to be proud of her and celebrate her uniqueness. But instead I allow myself to feel threatened by it. I jump to conclusions and explode into a very unnecessary freak out. "She's new, she's younger. She has the short black hair, black framed glasses. Nice boobs." That's what kills me. A girl has breasts that are nicer than mine and I think that he's going to leave me because of it. Why is that even an okay thing for me to think? It's not. Because I know it's not true.

Am I one of those beautiful girls who doesn't realize it? Is it better to be unaware of your beauty then to be sucked in by it?

One day.

I will be famous. And what will make me famous is the gyration of my hips, the liquid flow of my arms, and my "floating ass" if you will.


One day.

I will see Shelby walking down the street, pass him by in the supermarket, or even have him wait on me in my favorite locally owned restaurant. I'll want to fight back tears, I'll want to scream, I'll want to laugh hysterically in his face. And then, maybe, I'll want to make love to him right there on the table. The way I never got to. We won't be crammed in the back seat of a rental car, or have to worry about being quiet. It will be passionate, bittersweet. We'll be locked in an embrace of "I don't want this to end. I'll never let you go again. I missed you so much." But then it will be all over and we will let go. I'll pay my tab, tip him well. Very well. Possibly exchange numbers and leave wondering the same two questions I've been wondering all those years, "Will he call? Will I see him again?"


And one day I won't be afraid.

Afraid of my curves. Afraid of my personality, of being outspoken and a bitch. I'll keep saying what's on my mind and be proud in doing so.

One day.

Un jour.

Un dia.

Language doesn't change the fact that these days might not come. And I can't sit around hoping or waiting that they do.


Because after all,


Life
Won't
Wait.

Do you ever get tired of your friends? Do the people you used to hang out with on a regular basis seem not all that appealing anymore?

I really hope that this works out. I really want to work on it, and fix the things that need to be changed. He needs his space, I need mine. I feel like since we've been through so much already, then why give it all up and stop now? I'm really confused right now and the only time I seem to get any clarity is when I talk to J and N. They really do help. It's easy to talk to them about anything. I feel that they ground me and give me advice from different perspectives.

I just need to be alone for a while. Hopefully things will blow over.

I think I'm going to start posting Shelby's letters up here. But I'm not sure if that's a good idea....

Il y a une fille qui je déteste. Elle est une salope. Elle est mechante, ignorante, et un snob. Elle ne me sait pas à tout. Elle me déteste et je ne sais pas pourquoi. Je pense que c'est parce qu'à une fois j'étais des amis avec Rose Blanche. C'est la vie, je suppose.


Des temps en temps, tout les filles sont malveillants.

Things are feeling better now. Things are feeling back to normal. I now know why I had that freak out. But it doesn't need to be explained here. Just know that everything is fine. :)

P.S. PORKCHOP SANDWICHES!

Nothing feels right. I don't know what's going on. I don't feel like myself. I'm afraid of everything. I don't want Bert to leave. I don't want to die. I don't want to be alone. I don't know what to do. Being with Bert doesn't feel right. Being without him feels even worse. I feel like everyone knows something about us that I don't. That they just keep allowing me to live in this illusion. He's lying. They're all lying. He never loved me. It was pretend. He never wanted to be with me in the first place. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate him. I hate them. I want him to stay. To tell me that it wasn't a lie. That he really does love me. Will this work out? Someone please tell me what's going on. Because I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm losing myself. Losing my friends. I can't talk to anyone about this because no one understands. Everyone supports me in my decisions. But are they right ones?
Why am I so stuck on finding "The One"? True love probably doesn't even exist. Nothing hurts more than to think that someone may not be the one. For two years I felt it so strongly, believed every night when I held him while we fell asleep. And now this. I'm wrong about everything. Shelby's not going to come back. Not for me. He forgot about me. I think we were both in love with being in love with each other. I don't want Bert to leave like that. Not know why. Wake up everyday and wonder where he is. Why he left. Is he dead? No one knows.
No. No. No. No. This cannot be happening. I am freaking out. Is it obvious? All I wanted to do was make Bert happy. Did I fail? Did I make him miserable the whole time? God I hope not.
What is happening? Why am I so afraid?
Bert I love you. Does that mean anything to you? You're not even reading this. You don't even care. Please tell me everything is okay.
Make this feeling go away.

Rose Red sits alone. Trying to make sense of the feelings swimming around in her heart and the thoughts floating in her head. She feels torn. Half of her knows that she should leave it all behind. But the other half keeps convincing her that everything will work out. Just wait. Give it time. Give it space. This will work out in the end. But which half is her heart and which half is her head? She is unable to distinguish the two.

Rose Red is the type of girl who will do anything for love. It is her life. She's a romantic but hates the word. Her entire life she has always thought about love. Does true love exist? Is there such a thing as "The One"? Can fairy tales come true? Rose Red wants her love for this person to be the love that can overcome anything. That can survive all of their ridiculous spats. But she can't do it all on her own. The love is there in his heart but his mind wanders elsewhere. Only time well tell. Only time.

Snow White feels helpless. There must be something she can do to bring her Prince back. But the Evil Queen has put a spell over both of them. A manipulative, hateful, evil spell. A spell of lies and sabotage. Only the Queen and her Prince can fix this. She must give him his space, go back to her cottage and let him alone in his Kingdom.

Her heart feels destroyed. Broken into so many tiny little pieces that cannot be glued back together. She's full of confusion. She's full of uncertainty and yet she is quite certain of what will happen. All she can do is wait.

She has never felt her heart break like this before. She feels helpless. She hurt him; lied to him. There is nothing she can do but wait. It's all up to him. She sits on the tree stump letting the tears roll down her cheeks. Prince Beat is gone. He is not there by her side to hold her and kiss her tears away. Not even her dwarves are there for comfort. Snow White wonders what will happen, if he will continue to be her Prince. But why should he? She's ruined everything. She wants to change for him. But he has to be willing to help her.

I have stopped being friends with Andy. It's for the best. She never trusted me, I never trusted her. I won't bad mouth her and go into details. I will just leave it at that and be done with it. Bert will continue to be her friend and I'm glad. I know that he can help her in a lot of ways. Hopefully he can get her out her "don't trust anyone" shell. Maybe then we can be friends.
I am so happy right now. Bert is on the bed reading, and every time I look over, I just want to jump on the bed and wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I love him. He looks like a child, pure and so beautiful with their innocence. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. I love him so much. He is right. We match. I am so good to and for him and he is so good to and for me. I wish everyone was as happy and filled with love as I am at this very moment. :)

I wish I was more secure with myself. I just can't seem to be strong and confident in who I am. I never feel good enough. Just for once it would be nice to be the "hot one" at a party. In the words of Cat, I need a "Kick Ass Red Lipstick" day. I keep talking about my birthday. Makes me feel a bit pretentious.
I saw "The Passion of the Christ" today. Amazing. I moved me. I found it to be very powerful. I always believe that Jesus existed, I just don't agree with Christianity. But I will admit that I have much more respect for him and understand better the story of his crucifixion.
Bert and I had a very good talk tonight. And he "loved the shit" out of me. Felt good to be grabbed like that and cuddled so hard and good. Made my face and heart smile. I love him more and more each day. Make fun of me for sounding cliche, but it's true. I feel as though this is the best relationship I've been in. And it just keeps getting better. We're able to work out our problems and talk about what bothers us. Sometimes it's hard to hear him say that another girl is hot and whatnot, but I know where his heart is. :)
I don't have much else to say. Just felt the need to update.

Right now, I hate girls. Okay hate is strong word. I strongly dislike them. We are a dumb gender. We make things too complicated and tend to ruin them as well. If we're not ruining our lives, we're ruining other people's lives. I'm just frustrated right now. I have no privacy on here, which I was fully aware of when I started this. The only place I can talk about what's bothering me is in my actual journal. But I can't get advice from that, it's too awkward to hand it to someone and say "Hey can you read this? Got any ideas on what I should too?" And talking to people face to face, phone to phone, whatever, is sometimes waaaay too personal for me. Plus I have a hard time expressing how I feel because I can never find the words. I guess writing has always been some sort of escape of mine. Well at least lately. It's just easier to type things out. You can edit, go back and delete. Add things. You can't talk to someone and say "You know I just feel so sad today. Oh wait, let me go back and edit that...I feel so melancholy today." People intimidate me.
I think I need to make some major readjustments. Work on my self esteem and straighten out my priorities.

Crazy girls and girls looking for love in places where it won't be found. Uncomfortable. Unsure. Insecure.
Another day, another drama. Maybe it's just repeated drama that will keep re-occurring.
Distractions. Too many distractions. Pop tarts and Full House make everything okay again.
How can I talk about anything when people have "friends who send them this link" and take things the wrong way? Maybe there is no wrong way. Maybe I should just be mean. Everyone else thinks I'm a bitch or say I looked like one when they met me. BAGH! No more I say!! I don't want to deal with this anymore. *whine* I don't know how to handle it. So I will shower and ignore the problem until it pops again.

Somber. The sky is gloomy, the weather feels sad and her heart is nervous. She waits with anticipation. But for what? For him to call? He won't even be up for another 3 hours.
Alone. No one is around. School, work, sleep. That's where they all are. So she thinks to herself What should I do today? Not call him. Go look for an apartment. Keep busy and occupied. Do something.
She remembers her army boy. But what is there to remember? He's gone and she has no idea where to. 3 years. Or is it 4 now? She's lost count. Too much heartache so she moved on. He still lingers in the back of her mind, still has a place in her heart. But she's losing everything about him. The sound of his voice, his smell, his smile. His face. The one thing she tried so hard no to forget is slowly becoming dimmer and dimmer. Only letters are left now. And her faded memories.

Snow White looks outside the window. Such a beautifully sad day. She doesn't want to spend it alone but maybe she should.

Snow White sits in the computer lab waiting for her next class. She is chewing on Clove gum and it reminds her of her father. It's his favorite and they used to buy it all the time together. Today she feels happy, a little tired but in a good mood. She wonders what she will do today after classes are over. She wants to look at apartments. But she also wants to go run around the city, try on ridiculous outfits and and be silly. She wants to eat ice cream and watch movies and take a walk. She wants to play with cute squishy, lick your face and wag their tales soft puppies. She wants to make love.
But all those things have to wait. Now, now it is time for Snow White to go appreciate music. She will have to deal with her creative bug some other time.