What up super secret blog? I think only one person still reads this. If you are reading this, hi peanut!

I am starting to feel extreme apathy towards certain "friends" in my life. I find myself wanting to move to another city just to get away from them. I no longer feel connected to Cari or the burlesque troupe and I'm not sure how to admit to myself that I want to quit. In all honesty, I just want to kick Cari out of my wedding as well simply because of her toxicity and the drama she brings with her into everything she does. How can I stay friends with someone who exploits their child and whose husband gropes me at his own party while she shows no remorse for his actions after the fact?
I admit that I am impulsive on a lot of my actions and don't always think everything through before I commit to them. And because of this I was quick to assigning bridesmaids without even letting my engagement sink in.
I dunno, I guess everyone is growing up and with that we are all slowly growing apart. Being an adult sucks and I'm not even fully responsible for myself yet.

I keep having dreams where I tell Eric I love him and he either doesn't respond or says something along the lines of "I'm not ready to say that yet" or "I'm not there" or "It's too soon". It's awesome when something I am so insecure about sneaks into my dreams. No really. Love it. Things are going swimmingly and I'm a little afraid that something bad is going to happen because I am just so happy. I am crazy about Eric and I worry that maybe I developed feelings to soon or fell into it all too fast. Perhaps I am just searching for warning signs that this is all too good to be true. Or perhaps I really do deserve this happiness. :)

I am beginning to think that there is some sort of correlation between  when I reminisce and when I am pmsing. I'm assuming it has to do with my hormones running amuck and feeling overly emotional. I have a lot on my mind right now, as I usually do when I use this blog. I was cleaning out the closet in the guest room, getting it ready for a new closet organizer and it seems that I now have a huge pile of Bert's shit. Clothes, CDs, pictures, you name it. It didn't make me sad to look at it. However, I felt uncomfortable when I came across a framed picture of us. It just feels like those 5 years were a lie and a waste. I am finally able to say that I was in an abusive relationship and to not be afraid of what those words mean. 

I'm in a new relationship with Eric and so far it's great. However, there have been some things that have been on my mind for a while now. He's not as sexual as I would prefer and he's not very affectionate in public or even when we're alone for that matter. I'm not sure how to bring this up to him or how to talk about it, but I'm high maintenance and require a lot of attention. I also have been freaking myself out and wanting to just run from the relationship entirely. I finally have something good and I try to find flaws in it to make myself not like him as much as I do. I think I am afraid that I finally have a good thing that somewhere in my mind, it's too good to be true. And in all honesty, it's not even that great. He falls asleep all of the time. He's at times off-standish. He can be hard to read and I worry of saying or doing the wrong thing. I don't always feel that I am intelligent enough for him. What do I expect to get out of this? Is it possible for Eric to fall in love with me? Where is this even going to go? I think I worry too much about the future of my relationships and not enough about the present. I am so in love with the idea of love that I always rush myself into it. I am such a romantic at heart and yet I feel that I have become so jaded to romance and love. Am I in some way trying to push Eric away? Or maybe I am just having a pms induced freak out, which seems highly possible.

My life has taken several turns for the better. I feel happier than I have felt in a long time. New year, new beginnings and new relationships. I will be done with school soon and I feel proud of myself for not only sticking with something but also for finding something that I really enjoy. I just need to work up my confidence.

I'm glad that Eric has been taking it slow. I really needed it. I tend to rush things and try to find validation through sex but that's not a very constructive way to build a relationship. It feels pretty great to have someone who respects me and waits 3 weeks before having sex with me.

I should probably severe ties completely with Bert. I can't even be around him without getting irritated or angry. He really is a mooch and I don't think he'll ever change. He has done a lot of shitty things to me and still has no respect for me.

I don't want to believe in love anymore. It hurts too much. I wish I knew how you felt. But what would be the point? You're leaving in 7 days anyway.

I know I could have fallen in love with you.

I fall in love too easily. Brandon was just a love revisited in a quick moment of time. Now I've found a new obsession. And of course he's leaving. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I wonder why it is that I get so hung up on someone.

Why am I still in love with you after all these years? Are you "the one"? Why does it feel like home when we kiss and look into one another's eyes? Is it just because it's a familiar place? Feeling? It makes me feel like I haven't moved on. Why does my heart flutter in those moments of just you and me?

I guess we always want what we can't have.